My Ultimate Goal

I love to read, and one of the things that helps keep me focused on my long-term goals is reading books about weight loss. I'm not talking about books that talk about what kinds of foods to eat or suggest 101 different foods that you can fill up on and not gain weight. I want to read about how the path other people took. What did they tell themselves? How far did they come? How hard was it for them? What made them successful?

Since so much of this journey is a battle in my mind, it helps to always be armed with stories of success and the victors' tricks for success. Remember, it's about playing new, updated and positive tapes in my head and getting rid of the negative chatter. So, as I find something valuable, I'm going to grab onto it and share it.

Tonight's jewel is about setting goals, and it comes to us from Dr. Phil. I feel like I should offer a disclaimer that I don't buy into everything he teaches, nor do I care for all the sensationalism surrounding his show. However, what I have read (and am reading) about weight loss is rock solid.

Early in his book – The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution – he invited me to write down my goals in this journey. As any good dieter would have guessed, I wrote down how many pounds I wanted to lose. Spot on, right?? Keep reading.

Following my goal, I was to write the things that I was (and am) willing to do to achieve my goal:

• Attend Weight Watcher Meetings
  
• Track everything I eat
  
• Eat healthy foods
  
• Aerobic exercise 5 times a week
  
• Strength training 3 times a week
  
• Cooking meals for my family
  

You get the picture.

Then, I was to ask myself how I would feel after doing all those things and achieving my goal. My response – I'm going to be healthy and confident. I'm going to have rediscovered that person inside me who KNOWS (without any doubt) that I am amazing.

THAT, Dr. Phill says, is my goal. Weight loss is simply one tool to help get me there. And now, THAT has become my focus.

Shut UP, little voice

I've really been struggling with my self-esteem today. Those feelings of not being good enough, talented enough, pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough – I could go on and on and on. I'm not assertive enough, not determined enough, organized enough… OK, voice inside my head…. STOP!!!!!

I know that these feelings are silly. I can think of several positive adjectives to describe me – caring, compassionate, responsible, intelligent, and giving. WOW, just trying to come up with a list is hard tonight. Every time I add another descriptor, that little voice in my head laughs at me and tries to convince me otherwise.

My kids think I'm pretty amazing. My husband loves me. My parents are proud of me. I have all kinds of friends who would run to my rescue at a moment's notice. And my Father is the creator of the universe! Why then, am I having such a difficult time being content – finding that place where I am satisfied?

Somewhere along the way, I stopped being confident in myself. (Being overweight will definitely do that to you.) I lost that person inside me who KNEW that she could do anything she put her mind to. And now, I find myself looking to people around me to validate me. It's crazy; because I'm looking to the wrong people.

So, how do I get beyond this? I will continue to ponder and let you know what I discover. What I do know is that I will find my way. All I have to do is take one tiny step forward – and that makes me stronger. And tonight, being honest about my feelings is a pretty good step forward.

I'm going to hold to that. I'm going to remember that I don't have to be perfect, just moving forward.

Victory at Sam’s

I have to share a small victory that I had this evening. As I think back thru what happened, it really seems silly, the details so simple, almost foolish.

I should know by now NEVER to go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. But as is my habit, when I need to pick up stuff from Sam's, I go after work on my way home. It is usually no big deal. But tonight I was hungry. And not the kind of hungry that sees all those samples of jalapeno poppers, buffalo chicken wings, or mini quiches and wants to snack. That's head hungry. I was stomach-growling, planning-exactly-what-I-was-going-to-eat-when-I-got-home hungry. Samples were going to be just the beginning.

But were there any samples? No, of course not.

So, I get my groceries, get checked out, and am standing in line at the snack bar to get my kids their dinner requests. Nathan wanted a Nathan's hotdog (He could care less about the brand name. I, however, think it's neat) and Hannah wanted a ham and cheese sandwich. Simple enough, right?

WRONG!

While I stand there, and wait and wait and WAIT for them to fix the sandwich, one of the ladies brings out a fresh, beautiful, incredibly appetizing pepperoni pizza. (Did I mention that I was STARVING?!) Forget that it was pizza, but this thing was LOADED with piping hot, melting mozzarella cheese!

I stood there and considered food suicide. I really, REALLY wanted a bite (REALLY, who here believes that I would have stopped with one bite?). It looked so delicious, and I was so hungry! It was calling to me.

Then, some stupid little voice from deep within me reminded me that I had a very good piece of chicken and a baked sweet potato waiting for me at home. Nope. That's not enough to distract me from the beauty that is this pizza staring longingly after me. It needs me as much as I need it. Seriously??

OK, strategy number two – tomorrow is weigh-in day. Do I want to get on that scale tomorrow with all that cheese hanging off my bum? That did it. No pizza for Kathy. But I had to remind myself over and over and OVER that short-term sacrifices (my turning my back on that lonely, oh-so-needy piece of pizza) will lead to long-term gain.

And today, that long-term gain has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that I want to be healthy. I want to look GOOD. And I'm gonna.

A Blah Weekend

I wish I could say that my recovery from Saturday morning was quick and simple, that I got right back on it and was completely focused for the remainder of the weekend. I can't say that. I didn't. This weekend was just blah!

The weather was overcast. The temperatures were lower than usual, and it rained most of the weekend. In my book, perfect weather for rest and recuperation. But not for me, and not this weekend.

Food items included M&M's, popcorn, doughnuts, and cookie dough. I just couldn't shake the blahs. I didn't want to take care of anyone, including myself. So I slept and sat around and watched television. My poor kids; what a terrible example.

While I ate several things that I shouldn't have, I didn't lose direction completely. Believe it or not, I counted every single point of every single thing that I put in my mouth. I'm not sure of my motives. Did I want to beat myself up over it all week? Did I want to see how far I could get to the edge and not go over? Or was this an attempt at hanging on for dear life to what I know to be the right path?

My guess is that I was trying to be "bad" without completely throwing in the towel.

No matter. Today is a new day. I am going to refocus and get myself going in the healthy direction. If I can't do it for myself, then I most certainly can do it for Hannah and Nathan. They deserve a healthy mom. They need to see an example of someone who commits to something and WORKS at it – no matter how hard and no matter how long.

So, today, just as I'm getting started, I receive my verse of the day, reminding me of the truth:

"Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God!" (Psalms 42:11, NLT)

Good is good, all the time.

Starting out in a bad mood

Lest anyone think I've got this thing all figured out, I don't. If I have somehow made anyone think that this journey is easy, it isn't. And if you think I've got it all together to win this battle, remember it's a day-by-day struggle, sometimes minute by minute.

I woke up this morning ill – not sick, not feeling bad – just ill. To be honest, I'm tired of having to make all the decisions. I'm tired of having to take care of everyone else, and feeling like there's no one looking after me. Irrational, stupid feelings, I know. But they are mine. I feel that way this morning, and I promised I would be honest throughout my journey.

So, for breakfast? Scrambled eggs, hash browns and a half of a doughnut. You know what? Food did NOT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER!!!!

Even though I told myself that I deserved to have what I wanted, that I didn't always have to sacrifice, I still didn't feel any better after I fed my emotions. Because I can't stuff my emotions away with food.

So today, I've got some mental stuff to work through. I'll be back.

The Best Way Out

Encouragement can come in the simpliest of places.

Take a look - The Best Way Out is Always Through.

I don't have to be perfect. Just gotta keep moving forward. It's really just that simple.

Moving beyond mistakes

Two weeks ago, I hit a brick wall. I came face to face with a significant mistake that has cost me greatly. The realization left me doubting my strength and questioning my worth. The consequences left me alone – at least that's what I convinced myself. It was a scary place. Do I have the strength to take this journey by myself?

I made it that next week without feeding my emotions. For that I was grateful.

I was able to share my hurt with my mom. For her, I am grateful.

I sat at the feet of my Savior. For Him, grateful doesn't even begin to cover what I feel.

Every day, I have the opportunity to start over. Every day, I have the chance to do my best. Every day, I can make a difference not only in my life, but also in the lives of the people around me.

One of the promises I made to myself for this year, 2010, was that I was going to return to my passion, to writing. Recently, I stepped away from that. I stopped doing something that I love. Why, because I didn't want to think about how bad I felt. But if I'm going to grow, I have to be honest – even when it hurts.

This journey is about a stronger, healthier me. I'm stepping back into it. I'm taking care of myself.

I deserve it.