Reinventing Kathy has moved

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Blessings!

Kathy

Shots are well underway

First, I feel I should apologize for taking so long to update everyone on my treatment. I will provide a brief update here, and try to be more diligent going forward. Being active and productive on a daily basis takes a lot of effort.

So, here’s what I’m doing. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I give myself two shots of interferon medication. I am very fortunate to be able to give do the shots myself at home, instead of having to go to the treatment center three times a week. It means that I can take the shots later in the day versus early-afternoon (or during business hours). I have to admit, I was fearful at first – injecting myself. But God continues to be faithful. I’m settling into a routine.

The side effects from the shots can be pretty rough, so says my oncologist. When I first started, she didn’t expect that I would be able to complete the entire 48 weeks. She said that most people don’t. However, she assured me that every week I take the medicine, it’s a blessing. After my last appointment, she was surprised at how well I am handling the meds. If this is “good”, I feel for the people who really have trouble.

So, here’s the routine. Monday evening, I give myself shots. Tuesday, I am exhausted or achy or nauseous. Wednesday, I start feeling a little more like myself, just about the time for another shot. Then Thursday I feel bad and stronger on Friday. Shot on Friday night, with LOTS of sleep on Saturday. Sunday is a day for a very long nap to recover and start all over on Monday.

I take the shots between 6 and 6:30 pm, giving my body 12 full hours to process the medication and have whatever immediate reaction I am going to have. What I think happens during those 12 hours is that my fever spikes, bringing with it the chills, body aches, and then the sweats when the fever breaks. The one time I took the shot at the doctor’s office, I had a 103 fever by midnight. The other time that I took the shot later, 9 pm, I could hardly walk when it was time for work. THAT was a long, horrible day. Because of the fatigue, sleep does come easy. For that, I am grateful.

Fortunately, I have had only one day where I was nauseous – sick enough that I was unable to work. Most of the time, I am completely exhausted. When I don’t react with fatigue, then I am sore – body aches like when you have the flu.

Interferons can also cause depression. If/when I do feel depressed, I think it is more because I am completely and totally exhausted. Everything takes so much effort. Sometimes, if I think about how much longer I’ve got – 43 weeks, I get very discouraged. It’s not easy.

I’m trying hard to push through, letting the side effects disrupt my life as little as possible. I work with some really great people – who have been very encouraging and sympathetic. I don’t want to be Debby Downer, so I try to keep positive. I hate admitting the truth about how I feel. I have convinced myself that most people don’t want to hear it day after day.

As always, thanks for the continued prayers and encouragement. I am so very grateful that I don’t have to walk this path alone.

Phase One is Complete

On Friday, I finished my interferon infusions. The relief I felt when I left the treatment center was surprising. I am so glad to be through with this phase and can move forward. I am very hopeful that the nausea will subside very soon.

The next phase consists of getting 3 shots a week for 48 weeks. The insurance company has approved my giving the shots to myself at home. I will only have to go to the cancer center once a month to get the port flushed.

The doctor said that the shots could be rough; however, the first three weeks will tell the story. If I get through them without incident, I should be fine for the remainder of the year. I am hopeful that the side effects will be minimal so that I can start walking/running again. The surgeries and treatments have really pushed me backwards in terms of physical fitness. I miss the exercise, and look forward to getting back to it – even if it is just a little bit.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support. When the shots start, please pray that God protect my liver, my bone marrow, and my thyroid. Those are the three areas that the interferon can attack. Any damage to those and the treatments will stop.

In loving gratitude, Kathy

It’s Time to Count Down

It’s time to start the final countdown, my last five treatments. Well, actually, my last five infusions. After that, I start the dreaded shots. I say dreaded because the man sitting next to me today is also taking interferons. He said the shots were far worse than the infusions. Now, if I were a worrier, that little statement just might be depressing. However….

I’ve got all kinds of reasons to be joyful, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with this cancer. But I did get some good news today about my second round of treatment. The insurance company has approved my taking the shots at home. I’ll be able to take the shot right before bed, pop a Benadryl, and sleep it off. At least, that’s my PLAN. Yes, I am a control freak that thinks she is control. Rest easy, my friends, I know who’s got this.

And that’s not all…

The shots are only going to cost me $30 a month. Isn’t that amazing? It certainly beats a $25 co-pay every time I walk into the office. I think I can definitely fit that into the budget.

So, infusions every day this week, and a doctor appointment on Thursday. The shots are already being ordered so I will start round two very soon.

Thank you for the continued prayers

Moving Ever Closer

By the time I get this posted, I will be three-quarters of the way done. And, on top of that, today is Freedom-from-Needle Day – a day of true celebration.

But let’s talk about some real reasons for celebration – answers to prayer. Now I know that God always answers prayer, and sometimes, He just says no. But this week, He made my walk just a little bit easier. I have slept soundly, and for seven hours, three nights this week. And, I’m expecting another peaceful, restful night tonight.

Seriously, this week I have felt very sore – like I have been smacked across the back with a baseball bat. But achy muscles can be relieved. First, a sore back is a PERFECT reason to go have a pedicure. If you go to a good salon, they have amazing (AMAZING!) chairs that knead your back from your neck all the way down to your bum. And then, there’s the long, quiet soaking one gets from a very hot bath. And Dr. Kathy prescribes the hot bath nightly. Ahhhh…..

So, maybe I’ve been a little (ok, a lot) sore, but it has provided some wonderful opportunity to pamper myself.

I’ve even come up with something that is helping the nausea, and it’s not with anti-nausea medication. I have starting eating a bagel every night – oftentimes for dinner. I’m not sure what’s up with the bagel, but I’m choosing to believe that it’s the density of the bread that is soaking up something evil that is deposited in my stomach during my treatment. Whatever it is, it works.

Before I come to a close, I want to pause and thank Holy God, my heavenly Father, my King, my Provider, my Protector, for helping me through this week and every week. I want to be very clear that I know where my relief comes from. He has provided the comfort. He has provided the peace. He restores my joy.

Oh yeah, I came up with another name for today – Needle Emancipation Day! Celebrate with me.

Unanticipated Delay

Something is wrong this morning. I feel an unbelievably heightened sense of agitation. I want to peel the skin off my arms and my legs. I can’t sit still for five minutes and focus on anything. I am not sleepy, but I want to go back to sleep. I want the day to be over.

I know this feeling. I had it once before when I was pregnant with Nathan. My nausea medication sent me into a chemical depression.

I called the doctor’s office, and they have cancelled my treatment for this afternoon, and possibly for tomorrow as well. One of the possible side effects from interferons is depression, possibly hallucinations. Seriously?!

I am not having suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else. They made me promise if I feel that way that I will immediately call 911. I DON’T FEEL THAT WAY!!

I just feel like a caged animal, unexplainably agitated.

So, I’m a little disappointed that I won’t be half-way through the treatments this afternoon, but am grateful that I’ve gotten someone’s attention that something isn’t right. I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow at 1pm. They will adjust the cocktail and probably give me something for depression and then we will start again. I’m not sure if it will start back up on Tuesday or Wednesday. At this point, I don’t really care. I just want my immediate world to settle down.

Needle-Out Day

Today is Friday, treatment 9 of 20. I am almost halfway through with the most intense part of my treatment. This has been a rough week, as I have added nausea to my list of symptoms. And I am a baby when it comes to being sick to my stomach. However, I’m not going to focus on that today; because today is Friday. It’s the day the needle comes out!  Ahhh, three full days without the sharp instrument nestled in my chest.

Sometimes you have to look a little deeper to find a reason to be grateful. For me, today, it’s freedom from the nasty needle!

Truthfully, I’ve got many, many reasons to be grateful:

• I am surrounded by an unbelievable support network.
• I am constantly being covered in prayer.
• I get multiple notes of encouragement daily – via email, Facebook, snail mail, texts, phone, etc. – assuring me that I am never alone.
• Friends are making sure that my family has a warm meal every night.
• I have friends willing to sit with me during my treatments, especially on Mondays when I am afraid. And one friend even brings me Diet Coke!
• My husband and kids are all three are very eager to help me with anything!
• Hannah is again healthy, after a scary bladder/kidney infection.
• I have an amazing mom who is always available – to listen, to encourage, you name it. She is a wonderful woman and friend!
• I have a boss who insists that I put my health first. “Go home and rest,” has become his favorite instruction to me.

God is so good. He has met, and continues to meet my every need. He remains faithful and evident each and every day. He promised he would not ever leave me or forsake me. He hasn’t, and He won’t. No matter how difficult the journey, I am not ever alone.

If you are being used by God to care for me, to encourage me, and to bless me, know that I thank God for you every day.

Continuing Treatments

By the time I get this posted, I will have completed six treatments. Yippee. Six down and fourteen to go. I know that this could be so incredibly much worse, but I still don’t like it. I am trying really hard to focus on the bright side; but at 2am, when I’m dealing with a 102 fever and I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of something extreme, my “bright side” vision gets a little blurred.

So, every day at 3:30, I check in. As if you don’t feel bad enough coming in for treatment every single day, they want you to WEIGH! Every single day. Seriously? Even in the middle of all of this, the number on that scale has an effect. Oh well, moving on…

Then I get all seated in this truly comfortable chair – every living room should have one. Personally, I like the tray that swings around in front of me. It’s strong enough for my laptop – and one ALWAYS needs a place for one’s laptop. But for those of you who are all aghast thinking “I can’t believe she’s WORKING thru her treatments,” take a deep breath. I don’t know if this place has a wireless internet connection. I’m not going to ask. I don’t want to know. I am not working. I am choosing to pass the time (today, at least) by writing.

So, for an hour, I sit here while the medicine drips into my chest, into a large vein right above my heart. It immediately gets dumped into my heart for distribution into the rest of my body. By the time I get home, I’m already starting to feel the effect. In the short term, I feel tired and have been just the slightest bit nauseous. By the time the evening rolls on, I start to have flu-like symptoms, similar to what I described from night one. I am very grateful for a four-hour block of sleep.

Coming in for treatment yesterday (Monday) was very hard mentally. They say that Mondays will be the hardest – the first treatment after the weekend. Last week was HARD; I couldn’t imagine it being any worse. Like a goob, I stewed over it all day. I was in tears by the time I got here yesterday.

I made it through the treatment. Of course I did. And I even survived the night. I don’t know if it was the extra Benadryl I took before I went to bed, or the peace granted me by a very gracious God, but I slept all night. Thank you, Father. Nights like that are priceless.

Anyway, I’ll keep doing this for three more weeks. Thanks for the continued prayers.

Day 1 is Behind Me

My first interferon treatment is behind me. I was unbelievably nervous (afraid) heading into the appointment. The lady that takes your payment actually had to write my check out for me. I did good to get my name on the piece of paper I was shaking so badly. Who knew?

The meds went in without a hitch. I did leave the office with a slight headache that got worse as the day progressed. I was honored with the company of two wonderful friends – Joyce and Carolyn. I love how God continues to bless me with like-minded sisters who want to be all-in for Christ. We had a good time visiting and sharing and challenging each other.

Last night was rough, I won’t lie. I went to bed at 10. Woke up at midnight freezing, actually shivering. I put a couple of extra quilts on me and dozed back off. Thirty minutes later, I was awake again burning up. Good grief!

I got up, took some Tylenol, and watched a little bit of TV. I went back to sleep around 2:30 and slept until 7. When I woke up, my clothes were soaked with sweat. But 4.5 hours of deep sleep; I’ll take it.

They told me I would most likely experience flu-like symptoms. I definitely am.

Blessing for this morning – I was able to take a SHOWER!!! Any morning that starts with a shower is a good morning. Ahh, the little things that make me so very happy.

Interferon Treatment for Melanoma

A lot of people have asked about Interferon treatments. My sister, Martha, found this article which very succinctly explains what I will be going through for the next year. This may be too much info for you; but if it answers questions for one person, then it’s worth the effort.

Definition: Interferon is a protein produced in your body to help fight disease. Recent studies have shown that Interferon can also help stop the growth and spread of cancer cells.

People with melanoma who have one or more positive lymph nodes are at a high risk to have their melanoma recur. It is believed that 70 to 80% of these individuals will have their melanoma come back within the next three to five years.

Many drugs have been studied in clinical trials to see if this risk for recurrence could be decreased. Interferon is the only agent at this time that has shown the ability to decrease the risk of melanoma recurrence. The approval of Interferon was based on a study that showed a 10 to 15% decrease in melanoma recurrence in patients with one or more positive lymph nodes at the time of surgery. For example, if you had a 75% chance of your melanoma coming back in the next three to five years, treatment with Interferon can lower that risk to 60 to 65%.

"Adjuvant" Interferon means Interferon being given to try and prevent the melanoma from returning when there are no physical signs of disease present. It is like an insurance policy to try to eliminate any melanoma cells that may be present in your body, that we are unable to detect by physical exam or x-rays. This involves 12 months of treatment using the following schedule:

Weeks 1-4 (1st Month)
You come into the clinic daily Monday through Friday for four weeks (20 total days) to receive high dose Interferon intravenously (through the vein).

Blood work is checked every Monday to be sure that your blood counts are safe for treatment that week. We may need to wait to give the Interferon or decrease the dose if blood counts are outside of the accepted ranges.

Months 2 through 12
Interferon is given as an injection under the skin three times a week at bedtime - usually Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights. The injection is like the type a diabetic uses to give themselves insulin. This continues for 11 months of treatment. You can give the injection to yourself or have someone do it for you.

Rough Weekend

Satan is working overtime to try and discourage me.  I was up with Hannah most of Friday night.  We spent most of Saturday in the emergency room, thinking that she was having an appendicitis.  Fortunately, it wasn't her appendix, but a urinary tract infection that had spread to her kidneys.  Sleep evaded us on Saturday night as well, as the medicine from the ER started to wear off.  

This afternoon, the doctor called to let us know that the infection was also in her blood.  So, we added another antibiotic to her daily routine for the next ten days.

She has spent most of her waking hours weeping.  Finally, about 45 minutes ago, she finally dozed off.  I am hopeful that she will sleep the night, as I, too, need some sleep.

Tomorrow morning, I head back to the hospital to get a port put into my chest.  I'm not looking forward to being put to sleep again, but it's necessary.

Then, Tuesday afternoon, the treatments - interferon - will start.  I don't really know what to expect, but will update as I know more. 

Next Step in Treatment

My very dear friends and family,

First, let me thank you for your continued love, prayers, email, cards, and encouragement. God continues to bless me beyond anything I could have imagined through each of you.

Friday, May 13, I had surgery to remove the mass under my armpit. During surgery, there were 17 lymph nodes removed. Sixteen of the nodes were cancer free. The melanoma was limited to the one node, and it was completely encased. Dr. Elia said that these results mean that they have GOTTEN THE CANCER. Because of age (yes, my youth) we will pursue preventive treatments very aggressively.

So, today, I went to meet with the oncologist to discuss the next steps in treatment. I anticipated scheduling what I thought would be five weeks of radiation followed by four weeks of interferons. Instead, Dr. Elia and I have decided to take step back. There is an oncologist that specializes in melanoma (apparently vary rare) at KU Medical. I am going to see Dr. Doolittle (yes, that’s right) and get his recommendation regarding treatment. There is a slight possibility that I could skip the radiation and just take interferons.  I will gladly submit to whatever is determined to be the best direction.

This last week was very difficult. The days prior to surgery moved very quickly.  I was filled with confidence and peace.  Following surgery, I had to wait. Wait and rest. Wait for healing, wait for consultations, and wait for the next steps. My preference is to move forward and get this whole ordeal behind me. Yes, I can be a control freak.

Again, I want to say thanks. I am surrounded by an amazing group of people. I love you all and thank God for you.

You keep praying, and I’ll keep taking care of myself and getting healthy.

With much gratitude and love.

Lesson from The Biggest Loser

I’m sitting here, wishing anything that I could get back to some of my routine.  I would like to be back at work, but “they” know better.  “They” have strongly suggested (read – INSISTED) that I stay home another couple of days.  OK, so I’m one of those crazy insane people who pushes themselves.  Good grief.  But let’s not go there. 

Since I can’t do too much yet – physically – I’m catching up on Biggest Loser episodes.  I am crying my eyes out watching these people find themselves; find the person inside who has been hiding behind the fat for so many, many years.  Good GRIEF!  You would think that I know these people.  But I do; they are me.

There are three ladies on the ranch who have lost over 100 pounds.  I’m close, but not yet there.  The cancer derailed my plan – well, really just a detour.  But, my friends; God has a greater plan.  God knew that a malignant melanoma was growing under my arm.  He knew that I would not have found the tumor 18 months ago.  So, in addition to finding this confident woman deep inside, in addition to growing stronger physically AND spiritually, I have gotten rid of 90 pounds of fat – fat that would have hidden a nasty, life threatening tumor.  Because the fat is gone, I found the tumor.  And within a month of discovery, the mass has been removed and I am healing quite nicely.

In addition to being smaller, I am much, MUCH healthier than I was “before”.  Six weeks ago, I ran a 5K.  I am running/walking 2.5-3.0 miles daily (well, I WAS before all this started.)  Healthy me is much more equipped to fight back.

I’ve never had major surgery before, so I don’t really know what to expect as far as recovery.  But I think I have done amazingly well.  I haven’t had pain medication since Saturday evening.  I can (albeit briefly) raise my arm above my shoulder.  I’m sleeping through the night.  I feel like I’m ready to conquer the world. 

Well, ok, I do get tired about noon.  My arm is still pretty numb from the elbow up.  I still have stitches in my armpit.  But, hey, I DID have surgery seven days ago. 

Who knew what God would have planned when I started my “reinventing” journey.  Who knew the many, many levels He would lead me in my reinvention.  No one else but God could have prepared me for this time.

No one else.  Not even me.  Especially me. 

God is so very, very good.  All the time.

An Easter Blessing

Maybe you’ve noticed I haven’t posted in a while. Maybe you haven’t. Life has definitely taken a crazy turn. I will get to all of those details, but I’ve GOT to use this opportunity to share how God has blessed me this weekend. “Reinventing Kathy” is going to follow this little detour in my journey. Tomorrow, details. Today, blessings.

We had three services this weekend – one last night and two today – to celebrate Easter. The choir participated in all three services. The music was incredible. I wish there were words to express the way that praising God through music completely engulfs my spirit. I think it is the purest way for me to communicate to my Father just how much I love and adore Him.

But the music was like the cherry on top, if you could even imagine that.

Before I start, let me share that one of the verses that I am claiming during my “medical detour” is Mark 5:36, when Jesus tells Jairus, “don’t be afraid, just believe.” You see, friends and family of Jairus were telling him that his daughter had already died, and that it was too late to seek the help of Christ. As humans, that’s all we see. But He knew better. Jesus looked to Jairus and said, “Jairus, don’t listen to them. Look at me. I’ve got this. You can trust me.” And it is on that promise, that I hold firm.

So, as if I needed any affirmation of God’s presence in my life, the lesson this morning centered around THIS VERSE! I could stop there and enough would have been said. Randall started working on his lessons weeks ago. He didn’t know about my stuff; but God did! God has been planning for this particular Sunday morning for weeks, for YEARS! Again, I could stop there and consider myself abundantly blessed.

Jairus was a synagogue leader. Coming to Christ could have put him at great professional risk, but he was willing to do anything to help his daughter. Do you see a parallel? God was willing to do anything to help HIS daughter. He gave me his Son. He will certainly be with me during this trial.

Later, in verse 40, Jairus’ family and friends laughed at Jesus. They were in total denial of the words he spoke. So what did Christ do? He “put them all out”. They didn’t believe Him, so He didn’t want them around. Because of their disbelief, they didn’t get to see an incredible miracle. God is going to do something incredible with me. He just wants me to believe that it’s coming.

He showed me a similar, parallel lesson on Saturday. Remember what God did with the Israelites when they didn’t believe God? Remember? He had promised them Canaan; but they were more afraid of the “giants” than they believed in God’s power. So he cast them out into the desert. He put them aside. They were not going to see his miracle.

Jesus saves. He breaks the chains that bind us. He walks with me every single minute of every single day. He is going to do amazing things in my life. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can rest in His promise and keep my eyes focused on Him.

Just like he said, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.”

God is SO in the details

It took a lot to go to the WW meeting this morning. Given the way I was feeling, I wanted to hide behind something… anything. God had different plans. He always does. And His ways are always the best.

First, I walked in the door and was greeted with open arms, hugs, encouragement, and a wonderful verse – “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Our WW group from church has grown significantly, and the majority of the group is now going to the Saturday morning meetings. What encouragement! All I have to do is walk in the door.

Then, a member (who had been struggling, but seen recent success) talked about how she has been striving to put God first instead of her cravings. And another shared how she was very hesitant about joining WW, but she asked God to affirm her efforts. God definitely didn’t disappoint.

The meeting continued. Our leader asked me why it was important to track, especially when you “cheat”. Seriously??  Did I have painted on my forehead “I GAINED WEIGHT THIS WEEK?!”

So I answered her question, but then went on to talk about starting over. I said that the key to this whole program is knowing that you can start over at any time. You don’t have to wait for next year, next month, Monday morning, or even tomorrow morning. You can start over immediately. Unfortunately, because we live in such a pass/fail, win/lose, perfectionist society, we think that when we fail, we have to quit.

My eyes then got as big as saucers, and I clamped my hand over my mouth. Who was it that said THOSE WORDS? It couldn’t have been me. My friends immediately around me were laughing because they knew what kind of crazy, depressing week I endured.

I stood up and told the lady (who was looking for confirmation from God), “That, my friend, was the Holy Spirit. This is definitely where He wants us to be.”

God is so good. He wants to be involved with every aspect of our lives. We just have to let Him.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14

This has gone on long enough

The words that I would like to use to describe myself this morning – the self talk that is rushing on me like a tsunami – are very destructive. I have gained weight AGAIN. I have taken my mind off the goal AGAIN. I have lost focus AGAIN. I have sabotaged myself AGAIN! What is WRONG with me?

If people say that they are impressed by how strong I am because I have lost so much weight, what does that mean when I don’t? Am I not strong? Are they not impressed? Who am I doing this for? Me? You? Them?

Why am I doing this? To get praise? To impress? To grow in my self confidence? To be strong? What???

STOP!!!!!!

I know why I am doing this. I want to return to a healthy place. I want to be around for my kids for a very long time. I want to be able to enjoy life with them, instead of observing them participate in their lives. I want my body to be an acceptable temple for my Father. He is the King, and he deserves so much better than I have been offering.

The praise, the accolades from my friends and family – that’s just gravy. I want to be proud of myself, and I want Abba to be proud.

OK, now I am in tears. I am talking myself through the self defeat. I am going to draw the line in the sand AGAIN. Start over AGAIN.

I’m upset at the time I have wasted, but I’m grateful for the grace that I am going to allow myself.

Kathryn Joyce, I love you. You are worth all the effort and time it takes to make yourself into the most amazing woman you can be. Come out. Be strong. Enjoy today.

Running…

A brief bragging moment…

September 2009, it was a HUGE effort to walk around the parking lot.  I was very, VERY out of shape.  I was in bad shape, very unhealthy.

Fast forward to today, February 2011.  I jogged for the ENTIRE 30 minutes I was on the treadmill.  That is the first time I have run the entire time.  No walking to catch my breath, just solid, consistent jogging.  I ran 2.3 miles in 30 minutes.

I’ll have a lot more to say about it later, because I feel AMAZING!  AWESOME!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!  and a little bit (LOT) proud.

I’m starting to believe I might actually become a runner.  YAY me!

Another Shot of Complete Honesty

This was a good week. I tracked everything I ate. I went to the gym six days. I logged 13+ miles. So what was the result on the scale? I gained .8 pounds. Yep.

Well, there are all kinds of things they tell you in WW to help keep going when it seems like the scale has betrayed you.

• What good you do this week, you may not see on the scale until next week.
• It could be right before that magical time of the month.
• You could just be retaining fluid from recently having too much salt.

There are all kinds of theories, suggestions, other ways to encourage you when the scale doesn’t go in the right direction. But many, many times, if I will just be honest with myself, I know exactly what happened.

I knew this week would be tough as I worked hard to get really engaged in the new Points Plus program. I tracked everything I ate – which is HUGE. I stopped assuming that I could keep up with it in my head. I even stayed within my points, but I still gained.

Frustrated for a minute because I gained, I reminded myself to be honest – at least with myself.  I know what happened. I treated myself to some chocolate chip cookie dough – several nights this last week. YUM. AND I counted the cost (Points Plus).  But seriously?!!

The WW system is about balance. I can’t use half of my point allotment with junk and expect to have the desired results. I tried it; it doesn’t work. You can’t follow the law (points) without taking into account the spirit (healthy choice guidelines).

Well, what’s done is done. I’m not going to beat myself up. I made significant progress this week. I made positive changes. It will pay off.

I Deserve It

There are more times than not that I sit down after an incredibly stressful day and think to myself, I deserve the big bowl of Mexican cheese dip. I deserve the brownie dripping with rich, creamy chocolate icing. Or what about the greasy slice of pizza dripping with that amazing melted mozzarella cheese – extra cheese at that?

It makes sense, doesn’t it? I have worked hard, been stressed, and certainly deserve to treat myself with an incredibly tasty reward. Don’t you agree?

Let’s look at a different, yet parallel scenario. I overheard a conversation with a man whose doctor had discovered a spot on his lung. Fortunately, it wasn’t cancer; but it certainly caused a scare.

This man was not a regular, habitual smoker; but he did enjoy a cigar every now and again. His doctor cautioned him against continuing the cigar habit because the next time, the concern may not be “just a spot.”

The man continues to smoke his cigars. First, he’s convincing himself that one “every now and then” isn’t going to hurt anything. And second, he tells himself (and everyone around him) that he deserves it. After a long, stressful day, he deserves to sit down and relax with a single cigar.

The cigar could cause him to have LUNG CANCER! But he DESERVES his treat, his moment of relaxation.

It sounds silly when you are talking about cancer and cigars, but isn’t it the same thing when talking about overeating and heart disease, diabetes, and all the other problems brought on by obesity.

The choice is clear. I’m going to die someday, but it’s not going to be because I chose food over my health.

What do I want?

What do I want? I want doughnuts, chips, pizza, and chocolate. I want cheese dip, nachos, and milk shakes. I want to eat what I want, when I want it. But I also want to be THIN. THIN. THIN. OK, I’ll say the “correct” words – I want to be HEALTHY.

Seriously? The truth is I want to be beautiful – on the OUTSIDE!!

I want people to notice me, to say to themselves, “she looks good!” I’m not talking about the people who know me and comment that I look good compared to what I used to look like. I want to be stunning. Seriously, who doesn’t?

I want to realize the dream of that insecure little girl inside me who wants to be beautiful.

OK, now that I’ve had my selfish rant, what do I really, REALLY want? Well, that’s it. I want to be beautiful. But do I want it more than the instant gratification of that mouthful of food?

Most of the time, the answer is yes. I just have to keep remembering my target and make it my primary focus.

And don’t anybody get all worried about my getting too focused on the exterior. I know what’s important. I’ve got my head on straight. But let’s be honest, who doesn’t think about being beautiful, amazingly, stunningly beautiful, every now and then?