Something is wrong this morning. I feel an unbelievably heightened sense of agitation. I want to peel the skin off my arms and my legs. I can’t sit still for five minutes and focus on anything. I am not sleepy, but I want to go back to sleep. I want the day to be over.
I know this feeling. I had it once before when I was pregnant with Nathan. My nausea medication sent me into a chemical depression.
I called the doctor’s office, and they have cancelled my treatment for this afternoon, and possibly for tomorrow as well. One of the possible side effects from interferons is depression, possibly hallucinations. Seriously?!
I am not having suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else. They made me promise if I feel that way that I will immediately call 911. I DON’T FEEL THAT WAY!!
I just feel like a caged animal, unexplainably agitated.
So, I’m a little disappointed that I won’t be half-way through the treatments this afternoon, but am grateful that I’ve gotten someone’s attention that something isn’t right. I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow at 1pm. They will adjust the cocktail and probably give me something for depression and then we will start again. I’m not sure if it will start back up on Tuesday or Wednesday. At this point, I don’t really care. I just want my immediate world to settle down.
Dear Kathy~ I am so sorry there has been a setback in your treatment. I know this is the enemy's attack on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. I love the verse in 2 Cor 10:5 which says, 'take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.' How do you do this when you are going through so much? I have never been through what you have been through so please don't think I have the solution to your immediate situation but I know God does. Even though I've never personally experienced cancer, I've experienced some devastating things. In those dark times I have learned to go through the alphabet saying the attributes of God. A-amazing, B-beautiful, C-compassionate, D-dependable, E-ever present help in time of need, F-faithful, G-gracious, H-help, I-invisible, J-just, K-kind, L-life, M-marvelous, N-never ending, O-omnipotent, P-powerful, Q-quiet, R-rest, S-Savior, T-true, U-understanding, V-victor, W-warrior, X-xtra special (ha!), Y-yielding, Z-zealous. When I'm still anxious & struggling, I do it again and ask God to help me think of new attributes so as not to repeat any I just said. Over time (and sometimes it would be all night long) my mind is calmed because it has been taken captive by my Lord instead of my enemy. I pray this exercise can be of help to you this day and in the future! I love you girl and am praying all these attributes of God to be fully evident in your life!
ReplyDeleteKathy,maybe this will help: when I was so ill recently, I just kept my focus on Jesus, knowing that He, beyond anyone else, and above all, was knowing what I was going through was so hard and tough because of the horribe suffering He went through on the cross. He was with me, holding me, and was my comfort when no one else but Him could understand the depth of discomfort I was experiencing at any given minute. Keeping my mind and thoughts focused on Him brought me peace through many very sick, long, dark, and lonely nights (and days) by reminding me to "remember the days blessings and forget the days troubles". I'm praying for you and your family each morning for renewed strength to just lean on Jesus, He is our source of comfort! In Christian Love, Mary M.
ReplyDeleteoh Kathy, the only thing I can do when I know the enemy is hitting me hard, is open up youtube, find praise songs , listen to them and sing God the praises, even in this storm, remember he is with you!!
ReplyDeleteLove you
Shelley